May 17, 2013

I’m back, bitches.

Yeah, I’m sure you’ve long forgotten me. But let’s face it, you know the drill by now. I go on a post binge for like two weeks, and then I don’t post for like five months. I like to think of myself as the Natalie Tran of gay-themed anonymous blogs. Considering this genre is pretty small, I think I can claim it without too much backlash.

Anyways, the reason for my lack of post has not been sheer laziness (for once). I’ve actually been quite busy, as I actually got involved in extracurriculars this semester. Pretty much all community service stuff, which I’ve absolutely fallen in love with. It’s also the reason for a big announcement: I GET TO LIVE IN BOSTON THIS SUMMER.

Gurl, it get’s better! And I’m not talking about that campaign run by a bi/trans-phobe. (LOL remember before I was edumicated? Have I mentioned I’ve declared a minor in Gender and Sexuality Studies? Because that happened.) I HAVE MY OWN ON-CAMPUS APARTMENT WITH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS. Let’s go ahead and name him Summer Roommate (SR) now. So, get ready for some crazy summer stories.

So, let’s just quickly make a list of mistakes Awkward Gay Teen has made in the past four months, so you can be all caught up.

• Started texting SB again, who (you guessed it) still had a boyfriend, but still “loves” me.
• Sexted SB for about two weeks.
• Got a serious reality check from everyone.
• Deleted SB’s number after some crying.
• Made an OKCupid (which truly is a glorified Grindr except they allow straights).
• Got several dick pics.
• Deleted said OKCupid.
• Remade it.
• Deleted it again.
• (After I) Gave boy from OKCupid my number (Do you even have to ask what we’re going to call him?)
• Told him I’d “break his heart” because he got too clingy
• Didn’t talk for three days
• Agreed to go on a date with him (which is tomorrow, btw).

I know. I can’t even begin to understand my own stupidity either, but that’s why you’re here, right? To share this burden with me so I don’t become overwhelmed??? RIGHT?

Woah, sorry about that, I’ve just really missed your companionship. Can we say “dependent?” (I’m fully aware of my character flaws, I just don’t know how to fix them.) Well, I’m glad to be back, and I hope your as (un)prepared for this summer as I am!

December 30, 2012

So, um, hi. Do you remember me? I’m that person you probably forgot you followed, since I haven’t made a real post since October 20th…Let’s see the general overview of my life. I survived my third semester of university! Yayz. I’m currently on winter break, addicted to Netflix, and I haven’t worn pants in three days.

If you’re not new you know how much I detest being home (On that note: 14 more days until I go back to school!). Not much has happened since the semester ended, however, the period in between my 19th Birthday and last Thursday when I left was pretty interesting. SO LET’S DIVE RIGHT IN! (It’s great to be reunited, btw. :D)

So, back in November, as part of my French class, I had to go watch The Artist in some random auditorium on campus on the same night that BBGF had a concert for her Gospel Choir she’s in, which was also the same night that JGBF had friends coming to party for the weekend. Obviously, as it was a requirement for class, I had to go watch The Artist. Seeing as I did not want to be there, and I didn’t like anyone in my group, I knew what I had to do: drink.

I get to The Artist, and I realize that my teacher is not there, nor is anyone who would ever recognize me, and all I have to do is sign a paper. So, I scribble my name, walk out of the building, and head back towards my dorm. On the way there, is the chapel, which then sparks some insane guilt as BBGF had recently come to see me perform (I’m back in theatre, y’all!), so I go inside and sit with two of my friends. I then realized I had showed up to church about three shots in, only half a face of makeup on, wearing a shirt that says “You will go to hell for the dirty things your mind is thinking.”
 
Oops…So, we sit and listen to the songs, and go back to our dorm, where JGBF is already partying with the rest of our friends. We obviously drink more, and then JGBF, one of our new gay freshman friends [GFF2], and I head out to [Insert Name of Gay Club Here] with JGBF’s guests. GBE1 and I get in without incident and start dancing. After about 30 minutes, we realize that JGBF and his guests are no where to be found. So, I’m all: “what the fuck?”

I go outside, and find them in line. Apparently, one of the drunk-ass biddies originally knocked over the line-rope and was turned away, tried again, got in, promptly fell off a pole, was kicked out, and they were now trying to get in for a third time, which *spoiler alert* did not work. GBE1 and I go back to dancing and eventually go back to our dorm, where we find JGBF and drunk-ass biddy outside, because she’s also too drunk to get past security. In that moment, all I wanted to do was:

As the most sober being, I try to formulate a plan, as drunk-ass biddy keeps repeating, “I am 112% okay with you being gay,” “I don’t understand. We are of the same political party, why isn’t he letting us in?” and trying to call people with her licence. After about an hour outside, we get a hold of someone who can house her for the night. We go back upstairs, and that’s when JGBF takes off his shirt, lays down in our bathroom, and starts convulsing.

So, after fighting with him to put clothes back on, I leave in frustration to BBGF’s room, and try to sleep. Once that attempt fails, I go back to my room, where JGBF is now convulsing in my bed, with his breathing becoming erratic. I end up cuddling with him, and staying up until about 4AM when he finally started breathing normally, then five hours later, I got up and went to give a tour of my university, which probably looked something like this: “WELCOME TO….zzzz”

Stay tuned for next week (tomorrow) when I recount how I was threatened with suspension and arrest!

October 20, 2012

HEY, YOU! YEAH YOU! DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS?! Yeah, it’s October 20th. BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAY THAT’S SPECIAL?!?
 

That means we’ve been together for one year! You guys are officially my longest commitment to anyone, ever. I think we’ve reached this point now, so I’m gonna go ahead and tell you something…I’m gay. 

No, but seriously, I can’t believe:

1. I posted on this blog more than once.
2. You sometimes find me funny.
3. I’ve helped some of you come out.
4. You didn’t kill me for that period where I didn’t know how to properly insert gifs.
5. You stuck with me through my Grindr phase.
6. I’ve mentioned so many people and have so many code-names that there’s a glossary for this blog.
7. You watched/liked the random videos I post: 1, 2, 3.
8. You were there for my highs and lows of this past year.
9. That I have such amazing followers friends!

Now, what better way to fully celebrate our anniversary than how we began? MY AWKWARDNESS. So, let’s talk about that Freshman thing I had going on. Notice how the verb of the previous sentence is in the past tense? So, basically, after I made my last post, I texted and said “If it’s not obvious, I like you a lot.” To which he replied “Awww. That’s so sweet.” Not exactly the enthusiasm I was looking for, but, hey, not every guy is gonna propose after you tell him you like him.
 
Yeah, you knew that one was coming, didn’t you? I ask him if he wants to go on another date, and he agrees. We text on and off for the rest of the week, until it’s finally the day of the date. I decide to take a nap, and I wake up about an hour before I’m supposed to meet him, to a text asking “I’ve been getting flirty vibes from you…as if you’re attracted to me. Is that a thing?”

I respond, “Yeah…is that okay?” SEEING AS I’VE STRAIGHT UP TOLD YOU I LIKE YOU AND HAVE TAKEN YOU ON MULTIPLE DATES. To which I receive a wonderful text in which he explains that he does “not reciprocate the attraction” and “thinks it best that we postpone our rendezvous for tonight.” Needless to say, I responded the way I usually do: I completely shut down and didn’t answer him. I mean, I could talk to him about it, but…
Anyways, Happy Anniversary you guys! Here’s to one more year of being an Awkward Gay Teen.

October 10, 2012

Hello most wonderful people in the world! How are y’all?! So, beaucoup de shit has happened since my last post. FR turned 19, I went to one of the gay meetings at school, and I’ve been on about 5 dates…with the same guy. I KNOW, RIGHT?
 
Okay, let’s get down to business to defeat the huns. FR TURNED 19 AND ISN’T A BABY ANYMORE. (Everyone please ignore the fact that I’m still only 18.) So, me, being the best fucking roommate to walk the face of the earth, organized a surprise Kiki (complete with 22” penis balloons of assorted colours) for his birthday, which turned into a spontaneous [Insert Name of Gay Club Here] trip. Remember in my last post, where I was like “I’M NEVER GOING TO [Insert Name of Gay Club Here] AGAIN!”? 

No, it actually wasn’t that bad. I just danced with friends, and I even bonded with one of my new (Gay) Freshman Friends. (We’re going to call him GFF1 for obvious reasons.) I didn’t even get hit on by a gross old man. It was wonderful, and FR seemed to have a good time, which was the point of the night, so SUCCESS.
 
I also decided that since going to the Youth Group this summer was actually pretty fun, I should try to get involved with the one here. FR and I went and since I had procrastinated on some paperwork I had to do for a different extracurricular I had so much planning to do for his birthday kiki, we ended up being late to a very crowded meeting. This would have been mine if not for the fact that my friend and other leaders of the group beckoned me to the middle of the circle, where I spun around a few times and finally sat in the only open space. Which I imagine made me look something like this:

The meeting was actually very interesting, though I ended up having to leave pretty abruptly afterwards to keep up the illusion that I was “going home for the weekend” to surprise FR. I shall be checking it out some more soon!  (SIDENOTE: While talking to HGBF, I found out that YGB1 and YGB2 from Youth Group were actually dating all summer. Awksauce.) Oh, how I do not miss my hometown.

SO, LAST BUT NOT LEAST: I’m kinda dating someone! Remember that Freshman who I gave my number to? He finally texted me one random night about just being in my dorm, and I was like LOLOL YOU SHOULD COME TO THE KIKI MY FRIENDS AND I ARE HAVING TONIGHT. (If you haven’t noticed, we have Kikis pretty much daily.) And he ended up being like I HAVE TO DO THINGS TONIGHT. So, I was all WE SHOULD STILL HANG OUT SOON. To which he didn’t respond…

…until like 5AM when he was like THAT’D BE GREAT. So, we end up getting Panera for dinner, which turns into another date to go to the art museum, which turns into another date to get froyo, which turns into a Glee session in my room, which turns into another date where we walk along the river and have a picnic dinner. Have I mentioned we haven’t hooked up yet? GUIZE, I’M TAKING IT SLOW AND BEING A NORMAL PERSON, I’M DYING.

 Hokay, so I’m not gonna lie to y’all anymore. I’m gonna tell you straight up that my next post probably wont be until October 20th. BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAY THAT IS?! IT’S OUR ANNIVERSARY! YES, SOME OF YOU HAVE LIVED THROUGH AN ENTIRE YEAR OF MY AWKWARD LIFE AND I APOLOGIZE WHOLEHEARTEDLY. I’VE ALSO CONSPICUOUSLY TRANSITIONED INTO CAPS AND I FEEL LIKE I’M YELLING AT YOU BUT IT’S OUT OF LOVE.

I don’t know exactly what I’m gonna do for the one year post, but it’ll probs be important! WILL I REVEAL MY IDENTITY AND LEAVE THE INTERNET FOREVER? PROBS NOT SINCE I’M STILL A TEENAGER FOR ONE MORE YEAR, BUT WHO KNOWS, I DON’T. Maybe when I turn 20. I’M A BIT DELIRIOUS IF YOU’RE STILL READING THIS I LOVE YOU. KTHXSEEYOUONTHETWENTIETHBAI. 

September 25, 2012

The bitch, meaning me, is back! (Oh, and welcome to the like ten new followers who came out of nowhere over the past two weeks! I love you already!) So, what have I done since last time we talked? Well, I’ve gotten ahead in work in all my classes, declared my double major in Spanish and Linguistics, and I aso brought back my personal Tumblr. I know, I know. AGT, did you really think that was going to last? I was hoping so, okay?

I act out that gif too often IRL to be healthy. I’ve also had several trashy, funny, and of course, awkward moments, SO LEGGO! During the first real week of classes, FR and I decide we’re going to [Insert name of Gay Club here], and also that we should invite like everyone we know. So, Friday night rolls around, and we realize we have about 14 people coming to our small ass dorm room to pregame, and that we need an estimated four handles of alcohol to satisfy them.
 
So, after several placement charts, and a long ass walk into [Insert name of neighboring city here] so our friend could buy for us, we find out that the number is actually a much more manageable seven. We go back to the room, and start drinking. And since it’s the first night back, general consensus of my friends is:

Around 9:45, we decide to leave to go to the club. On the way there, I fall twice and scrape my knees and elbows. This is where it gets dark…and by dark I mean I only have two more memories. The first is dancing with my new (lesbian) friend. Can you guess what we’re going to call her? The second is dancing with JGBF (who, btw, is also my third roommate now). During the three hours spent there, I also apparently offered to make out with a creepy freshman because I was “drunk and didn’t care.” He now brings it up constantly.

Oh, and my other favorite memories that I do not have? Me telling JGBF that I took a drink from some random guy in the bathroom, and then proceeded to make out with about six girls (including a friend who bit my nose and left a gash that has just now healed two weeks later).

 
So, my solution to partying too hard? PARTY HARDER NEXT WEEKEND. FR and I decide to go back to [Insert Name of Gay Club Here], since none other than the COCKY BOYS are making an appearance. Just as drunk, we stumble into the club, watch Jake Bass, Maxx Ryder, and Seth Knight gogo dance, take a MOTHER FUCKING PICTURE WITH THEM, and then go back out into the crowd to dance.
 
That’s where this happy train derails, and goes crashing into something that a happy train would crash into after it derails on its way to happyville. Gangam Style comes on, which I love, just not while surrounded by dozens of drunk people all doing the dance and bumping into me. So, I go to the side room, and try to poke my iPhone into submission.

 
Then, some guy reeking of Raspberry Smirnoff comes up to me and asks if I want to dance. I say sure, and he starts pulling me towards the dance floor. He asks me a question, but I don’t understand him, so I mumble “huh?” He asks again, and I, again, don’t understand. After about the third time, I say (in a perfect American accent, btw), “I don’t speak English.” So, he asks “Eres activo o pasivo?” (Are you a top or bottom?)
 
Point number one: RACISM. Point number two: Do guys actually ask that within five seconds of meeting someone? Whatever. Moving on. We start dancing, which immediately turns to making out. Then, he sticks his hand down my pants. (This is where that happy train that derailed and crashed into something that a happy train would crash into after it derails on its way to happyville explodes like action movie style.)

I pull his hand out of my pants, and he announces he’s going to get a drink. I take this opportunity to find FR and GTFO. We leave the club, and go back to the room, where I feel I must immediately shower and be introspective.
 
I’m gonna stick to Kikis for a while. 

September 3, 2012

Hey everyone! Well, I lied, as usual…sorry, not sorry…BUT I was only two days late this time! (I’m actually very sorry, I’ve just been beyond exhausted both physically and mentally for the past two weeks.) I’ve also deleted my personal Tumblr for reasons, but I just couldn’t leave you guys! Disclaimer: I’m slightly intoxicated at the moment. Actually sorry, not sorry. So, anyways, let’s get right down to it! Let’s see, the last thing I wrote about was the moment I realized YGB1 was actually single.
 
So, we all continue to sit around the pool and talk, and then YGB1, YGB2, HGBF, and I decide we are all going to go to our respective homes and let YGG1 go to sleep as she has to work the next day. We stand next to our cars, and YGB1 says that we absolutely have to do something during the week. HGBF is immediately like “YES! Here, take my number and text me!” They exchange numbers, and we get into our respective cars and drive away.

 
A few days later, I pick HGBF up to go to a friend’s house for a party, and he explains that YGB1 has been texting him constantly since that night. Even fucking “GOOD MORNING” texts. HGBF starts asking if what he is doing is okay, since he has a boyfriend. After several rationalizations, and asking me if he’s in the right for about ten minutes, I’m like:

Eventually, I get him off the topic, and we get to our friend’s house where we do some illegal activities, and then decide to go to bed. Before I fall asleep, however, I decide it’s a good idea to start IMing YGB2. Why? Shit if I know, Dear Reader, but it happened. Eventually, it ended up with him asking me how I handle penis, and me replying “In every way possible. Obvi.” Upon reading this the next morning, Sober Awkward Gay Teen was like:
 
The phrase “Like a Selma Hayek” was also used to describe my abilities with the male sex organ. What the actual fuck is wrong with me? I decide it is probably the best idea not to contact YGB2 again…which worked out perfectly as YGB1 also mysteriously stopped texting HGBF. Whateves. So, a few days later, IT’S FINALLY FUCKING TIME FOR ME TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL!
 
I get back, and have my awesome week of Orientation Leader training, and then actual week with the Freshman, which are both amazingly awesome and are two of the best weeks of my life. As leaders, we’re supposed to keep a level of professionalism with the freshman (a.k.a. don’t hookup with them) during the program. But obviously, me being me, I had already found someone that I was all about. We had talked for a while during an event, and throughout random points of the week. After the official end of orientation, I walked up to him and gave him my number. I still haven’t gotten a text.
 
The next night, all of the leaders in my group get together and decide to have a Kiki. What’s a Kiki? Don’t worry, I’ll share later. So, FR (who is now actually my roommate, and not just my future roommate) and I decide to pregame. I did not, however, anticipate our third roommate’s cousin coming, and somehow being coerced into having seven shots before leaving. 
 
We get to the party, where I assume everyone is already drunk…and everyone around me is completely sober. For about an hour, until the alcohol got there, I was just standing around trying to pretend like I wasn’t actually shitfaced. After the stuff finally got there, and everyone was properly socially lubricated, we began playing the normal Never Have I Ever (or Ten Fingers), and eventually locked ourselves out of the apartment, as we suffer from an extreme case of:

Now, ONTO SOPHOMORE YEAR.